We, the people of the United States, would like to apologize for the acts of imaginary terrorism that have been plaguing your shores. You have enough to worry about when there are real terrorist attacks. You don’t need to deal with delusional ones as well. We’re trying to get him and his band of scary-men to shut up, but so far it isn’t working. I hope that hot dog incident in Sweden turned out for the best. You, and your hot dogs, are in our prayers tonight.